the goats are going to heaven...

Muslims around the world celebrated Bakrid last week. This year was my first in a city with a big Muslim population, and the festivities were a new experience. Growing up in VIzag, Id-ul-Zuha and Id-ul-Fitr were just national holidays and news items on TV and were never personal. It isn't like that in Hyderabad. Bakrid (for that matter, any festival, Hindu or Muslim) brings out the hordes to the streets, touching everyone that ventures out. So, its practically impossible to be unaffected. Until now, I never knew that Bakrid was a festival celebrating the sacrifice of Ibrahim; but with the number of goats sold on the streets of Hyderabad overwhelming you for weeks before the auspicious day, it is hard not to wonder what the connection is.

For those of you who don't know, Ibrahim sacrificed his son as proof of his fealty to the almighty. Allah is pleased with the sacrifice and in return lets Ismail (the son) live, and Ibrahim finds a goat lying dead at the altar instead.

Traditionally, Muslims celebrated this by sacrificing their livestock. I guess this symbolized their devotion to Allah and their willingness to give up material wants. A few centuries ago, when animal husbandry was practiced by most everyone, this tradition may have made some sense - since you are giving up a source of income when you are killing that animal and giving away the meat. This day and age, most people who are making the "sacrifice" are definitely not goat herders. So what exactly are we sacrificing, or shouldn't I ask?


Sacrifice, by definition, is to give up something that is important to you. How is killing a goat on Bakrid any different from taking friends to lunch and paying for the mutton biryani everyone ate? It's not sacrifice. It's a pathetic attempt to con the almighty and is no way your ticket to paradise.

...if you touch my junk

In Sep 2001, some a-holes got on a few planes and crashed a couple of them into the twin towers. The TSA promptly increased security on cabin baggage. Another idiot brought aboard a bomb in a shoe, and since then everyone has to go through security barefoot. Then the crazies tried to blow up a flight with exploding soda, and we are having to take liquids in doll-house containers. Not to be unfazed, one lunatic decides to bring in his bomb in his underwear - and in response, everyone gets to be photographed naked by the TSA's latest toy - the full body scanner. Either that, or the grope check.

Now, who wants to bet that the next move by the crazies would be to go the drug-mule way and sneak in their dope through their body cavities? Then everyone will get a free prostrate exam before they can board a flight. In order for it to be less invasive, the TSA might recommend a colonoscopy instead, so that they can take pictures and view it in a secure location!

Coming soon!!! La Porte de l'Enfer' - to an airport near you.

simple-minded pricks

I'm so glad the Obamas left the country. For the last few days, it has made everyone here plain crazy. Obama said this, did not say that, he didn't call Pakistan a terrorist state, he took a piss, she played hopscotch; oh for crying out loud!!

It all started before his visit. Someone, somewhere, reported that the United States is spending around $200m per day on his visit. What's interesting was people's reaction to that piece of information. They were genuinely perturbed. But why? He is probably the most targeted person in the world and the leader of the free world. I'm surprised that anyone is surprised. Especially since he was visiting a city that saw carnage on the streets not too long ago. Some others were offended by the fact that the United States was "wasting" that much money and questioned the rationale behind it. I heard none of that when India spent around $7 billion of taxpayers money on the Commonwealth games. There was not even a murmur from the same people if it was a good investment or about the corruption that was being reported. We continue to give our leaders blank checks without any questions asked while at the same time we are horrified at the money that some other country is spending? (it's actually stupid that people are anything but happy since we will see some of that action - their spending here benefits us)

Then he landed. He stayed at the Taj and talked about terrorism. He talked about the Mumbai attack and tried to show solidarity. But a lot of people were disappointed and outraged that he did not say that Pakistan did it. Really? What kind of a boob do you have to be to think that he'd do that? Do I really have to list out the reasons why he wouldn't do it? Well, here are some: 1. Pakistan has been their key ally from the Cold War era.  2. USA needs Pakistan's support in the war in Afghanistan.  3. Of all the Muslim countries, Pakistan is the most loyal supporter of the United States   4. No head of state should be doing it unless they want to antagonize the other nation  5. India did not conclusively prove that the attack was sponsored by Pakistan-state  6. If he really were to say that Pakistan was behind the attacks, he would say it in his own country or in a world forum, rather than as a remark in his speech in Mumbai.  7. Doing so is not useful to the United States in any way  8. The US foreign policy has always been hypocritical and riddled with double standards. The list can go on... And then, a couple of days later, the same simple minded retards were beaming because Obama said that Pakistan has terrorist camps? That's all you wanted?

There were another set of morons who sulked because they were asked to show ID. One of them wants to know "If (the host) doesn't know who his guest is, then why is he inviting the person?"... uhh.. because they know your position but not you personally. And also maybe because some of you were involved in a scam and resigned recently. Because there is a good chance that you are involved with the underworld. Because, for you, money is more important than anything else in the world. Need I go on, you egotistic, insecure fart.

And then there was the UNSC bid. Ooo... the permanent seat! Obama said, "in the years ahead", he sees India as a permanent member in the UNSC. You can conclude so many things from that statement. And people have, too. The reactions ranged from euphoria to disgust among the Indians. But even if we do get a seat at the table, I seriously doubt it will be the same deal as what the current members enjoy. Instead of building the political capital and stature in the world that will bring in an invite to join the big dogs, India keeps seeking recommendations and favors, begging for a seat.

The thing that pissed me off the most is the news about how Pratibha Patil "played the perfect host" and took care of every little detail of the banquet.. from suggesting a pineapple halwa and puran poli to ensuring that the pathways were decked by fragrant rajanigandhas. "Ms. Patil not only suggested dishes for the grand feast but also sought details about the décor". (Are you kidding me!!) Knowing that the president of my country spends most of her time making sure that functions are organized well, fills my heart with sheer joy. She is a great role model for the women of this country.You go girl!

Overall, it was like a bunch of kids going crazy about a rich uncle visiting with lots of goodies! Some are giggling, a couple are throwing tantrums, one in the corner is sulking, another is bitching. The big girl is busy decorating and fussing over the arrangements, and the 78-year-old head of the family is waiting for him at the airport.

Except that he is not our uncle and he hasn't brought any special goodies.

Personally, I like the guy; always have. But he is just a head of state and it would have been more respectful to him if everyone conducted themselves like we aren't so bad ourselves.

Action, Consequence and Random Chance

Over the years, at various points in my life, I wondered what the answer to the God question was:

1. Is there a God? 
2. Does He (or She or It, if that's your thing) control my life? 
3. Does He expect anything from me? 

At different times, how I perceived God has taken different twists and turns - there were times when I was very sure of the answer and other times, I struggled with it.

I was raised in a home that was spiritual, slightly philosophical, and tolerant of other faiths. Traditions were followed as long as they did not hurt anyone. We changed customs sometimes, in order for them to make more sense. Even though mythological stories reinforced the idea that God makes sure "good" thrives in the world and that God comes back in human form whenever evil seems to be taking over, I was taught to be kind to people because it was the right thing to do and not because God would punish me otherwise.

When I was a kid, God was real and very personal. I prayed regularly. I was told that God would protect me and my good behavior would be rewarded and I behaved like I was answerable to God for my actions. If I ever got into trouble, I'd pray to God that I be spared that once and that I would be careful the next time. 

As I was growing up, my prayers became more of a routine, without a lot of thought going into who the recipient of those prayers was. Since they were not supplications for physical things, I never bothered about their fulfillment. More often than not, I prayed for health or happiness of people around me, and that I be content with what I have. Not that I did not want material things. It just struck me that those kind of requests were seldom granted unless I actually deserved them. When I deserved something, I felt that there is no need to petition to God for it. Every once in a while, I would get something which I didn't really lay claim to. Times like that, I used to thank God for his benevolence and be happy at my good fortune.

Overall, this is what I understood about how God operates with me - most often, I get what I worked for. Sometimes, I get more than what I deserve, without even asking for it. Some other times, I don't get things that I felt entitled to, even when I begged for them. 

As one can imagine, the logical consequence was that I stopped asking God for things. To be it all broke down to this: Actions, Consequences and Random Chance.

Whenever you do something, those actions will have consequences. Combined together, Hindu philosophy calls it karma. It is an understanding that action and conseqence do not exist independently; that they are inseperable. To some Hindus, a person can neither indulge in actions nor bear consequences without divine allowance. It is also believed that every once in a while, God changes the consequences to our actions to suit His purposes. Each person has their own explanation about why He does that.
 
In a simple world, a Newton's Third Law kind of deal would apply to all actions and consequences and each action would have an absolutely identifiable and definite consequence. Things would have been plain and simple. However, that is not to be. There is a third factor that qualifies the consequences to all our actions - random chance.

Chance meddles with outcomes and sometimes favors the undeserving or the inefficient, making people wonder why; why it was that they got something or didn't; why it was that life was sometimes unfair or too kind. Depending on the outcome, chance has been both the greatest fillip for humans as well as our greatest detractor. Temples were built, wars were fought, lives were ruined or millions liberated, all because of chance. Philosophers, academicians, theologists, all try to find a pattern and explanation for how this works. Everyone is convinced that they are the closest in figuring out the answer and keep trying to convince others that they are right.

Random chance, in my opinion, is the one defining factor that has led the majority of people on this planet to believe in God. Different people give it different names - luck, miracle, destiny, divine grace, answer to prayers - but most of them pray to God to try and tip this factor in their favor. Some pray to please God who is controlling the strings from up above. Some others pray to thank Him for his kindness in what has already transpired.

To me, chance is invariably random, and God, regardless of whether or not He's controlling it, is definitely not steering it in a particular direction just because that would please us. Prayer works, but only to tether the mind down in the face of uncertainty.

Dry Day on Oct 2

"Sale of fish soars in twin cities"

When he was alive, Gandhi-JI didn't eat meat or drink alcohol. As a mark of respect to Gandhi-JI, on Oct 2, all liquor stores are to be closed and meat stores too. So, people found a loophole - fish!!

"The cram for fish is because of people coming to fish market with no other option to have meat. 'We see nothing wrong in selling fish during Gandhi Jayanti, since we are not killing/ slaughtering any animal. We sell fishes which are already dead,' he said, which was endorsed by other fish sellers." (Source: Times of India)

Here is why the whole exercise is silly:

1. Gandhi-ji didn't give a hoot about people respecting him - he wanted people to be righteous, not call him "JI"
   
2. You are giving up on eating meat for one day in a year and that would somehow make him happy? BIG WHOOP!
3. Gandhi is dead! He cannot see that meat and liquor are not sold on Oct 2
   
4. Some might argue that I'm neither an expert nor have experience in after-life. But I'll tell you this: if by some misfortune, Gandhi can see what we are doing with this country, that would mean he is in hell - and the fact that we are closing meat and liquor stores on the date he was born on, would be like setting a man on fire and then spitting on him in order to save him (its just adding insult to injury)
   
5. Gandhi believed in resisting temptation when the source of temptation was right in front of him, not when there is no access to it - if anything, the stores should have been kept open and then if people didn't drink liquor or eat meat on Oct 2, that's respect for him (if nobody wants to have sex with you, and you say that you are following brahmacharya, you are a loser, not a Gandhian)
6. Finding loopholes in this charade is pathetic - if you want to eat/sell meat on Oct 2, just say you don't give a damn about 'Dry Day', don't come up with lame excuses like "We sell fishes which are already dead"
   
7. The politicians need to come up with something better than 'Eat Crap Day' to bring some Gandhi into people's lives and if they cannot, they should just stick to doing what they do best - diverting public money to private pockets
   

"Gandhi" is an idea, a way of life; if you don't get it, you don't get it.

method to the madness

It took me a couple of weeks, but I think I finally nailed them down. Here are the traffic rules if you are driving in India (oh yeah, there are rules):

1. Drive as if no one has mirrors
   
   
2. Anything that moves, belongs. And everyone is equal. No discrimination:
   Auto rickshaws (now these are more equal than the others)
   Motorcycles, scooters, bicycles, pedestrians
   Cars, buses, trucks
   Bullock carts, hand carts, tangas (RTA approved), bicycle rickshaws
   
   
3. Everyone has a right of way. Here is everyone:
   Auto rickshaws
   people* who are just joining the traffic
   people who are going across at intersections
   people making U-turns
   people going against the traffic
   people stopping in the middle of the road just for the heck of it
   people trying to overtake (some successfully and others, not so much)
   
   * people includes everyone listed in #2 and if luck would have it, some stray animals
   
   
4. Pedestrians may behave as traffic police and stop you with the use of hand signals
   
   
5. If there is space, it will be taken. You may think that there isn’t enough room for your hatchback, but don’t be surprised if a bus is trying to squeeze into the same space
   
   
6. Even if you have a red-light, use common sense – if no one's coming from the other side, don’t wait for the light to change, like an idiot. If you can go, go!
   
   Conversely, just because you have green doesn’t mean you can go through the intersection as if you own it. There might be cross traffic, so, slow down.
   
   
7. If you forget any or all of rules #1 to #6, it’s okay. Just remember #8.
   
   
8. Don’t be shy, use the horn like your life depends on it (because it does)
   
   
9. Last Rule (or first): Pray to God
   
   Honk, Goddamnit, Honk!
   
   
10. This is more of an observation than a rule: if you are an atheist, God help you!

My Name Is Khan... and I cry in every movie

Saw a couple of kids playing a game last night. One kid says a word and the other responds with whatever comes to his mind. One said, "Cricket guru" and the second kid responded, "Sachin Tendulkar".

Now, Rex being Rex, looked at me and mouthed, "miserable fuck - George Bush" (for folks who don't know, that's what Google used to say during the Dark Ages. If you typed miserable failure in Google and clicked on the 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button, it used to take you Bush's profile page in the White House website). That's Rex's idea of playing along. Good thing the kids didn't know what George Bush was.

Anyway, it was the second kid's turn and he said "My name is Khan". I got a little too excited and shouted "Shahrukh Khan". I didn't mean to butt in, I swear, but both the kids threw me a nasty stare. Then the first kid looks at me and says, "easy question, I will answer!"

Rex laughed himself silly and then asked, "Would you have said that a couple of years ago? Before the latest movie was conceived." I thought I would have. Shahrukh Khan has always been the crowd favorite.

I only started watching Hindi movies in 1995. It was that year that I saw Sholay, Jo-Jeeta-Wohi-Sikandar, Baazigar, Anand, Baawarchi, Aandhi, Namak-Halal, Don and the other movie where SRK played the psycho piss-ant. But Raj Kapoor, Dev Anand, Rajesh Khanna were gone by then; Aamir Khan, Salman Khan and Shahrukh Khan were the contemporary actors. Our of the three Khans, SRK was the superstar. I knew some girls in class were crazy about him. I was told that they all were.

The charm, Rex explained, was being both sensitive and macho. "That's a rare combination", says Rex. He'd beat up the baddies in one scene and then cry in his mother's lap (or a sweetheart's arms) in another. Here was a guy who wouldn't hold his tears back.

Now, here's the kicker - why doesn't he hold his tears back? I can see how a guy who cries is construed to be sensitive and caring. But is that the only way SRK can portray that he is sensitive and caring? Why does he HAVE to cry in every goddamn movie?

Here is a list of SRK movies I can remember watching:

• Raju-Ban-Gaya-Gentleman
• Baazigar
• Darr
• Karan-Arjun
• Dilwale-Dulhania-Le-Jayenge
• Ram-Jaane
• Trimurti
• Koyla
• Yes-Boss
• Pardes
• Dil-To-Pagal-Hai
• Dil-Se
• Kuch-Kuch-Hota-Hai
• Hey-Ram
• Mohabbatein
• Kabhi-Khushi-Kabhi-Gham
• Devdas
• Kal-Ho-Na-Ho
• Main-Hoon-Na
• Swades
• Chalte-Chalte
• Veer-Zaara
• Chak-De-India
• Rab-Ne-Bana-Di-Jodi

Has he cried in every one of them? Bet your ass he did.

I haven't watched his latest movie "My Name is Khan" and I haven't talked to anyone about it. But I'm willing to bet all of this January's pay that he's going to cry in that movie (minus the vig, of course).

Here's wishing Dingus Khan will learn to portray his sensitive side without crying.