I want it fried

Last week Rex and I were in Chennai for a couple of days. We were staying in a hotel; one of those which offers a complementary breakfast. Nice one, with buffet breakfast and those made-to-order stalls, where you can request for dosas and omelets, and they make it for you. It was like having the best of both worlds - eat all you want and ala carte!

The first day we were there, we woke up right around the time they were cleaning up, ran downstairs, and begged them to let us grab whatever's left. It wasn't good. I almost choked to death on heat-dried dosa fragments. So, even though the next day was Sunday and we had absolutely no plans, we asked for a wake up call, (actually three, - 7:00, 8:00 and 9:00 AM), in order to make it to the breakfast buffet.

I was so proud of myself. It was one of the very few times I made it to the complementary breakfast. Even though I stayed in hotels for long periods, I always used to prefer sleeping in late rather than getting a healthy meal in the morning. It always seemed to be the right thing to do.

So anyways, there I was, minding my own business and focusing on the food, while Rex was nosing around listening into other peoples' conversations, and generally trying to bother people. He obviously didn't share my enthusiasm in our little achievement.

It was right around the time that I was finishing my salad that Rex pointed me to a table with a couple of guys taking to a girl who was waiting on them; one of those from the North Eastern states. The guys seemed like they were Telugu, and one of them was saying, "I want bread". The girl was asking him if he wanted a toast, and he kept saying, "I want bread". Rex was definitely amused. This is the sort of thing he lives for. The back-and-forth went on for a couple more times and then finally the Naga chick decided to go get him his bread.

As soon as the girl left, this guy turns around and says to his friends in Telugu, "That girl is an idiot. I had to say bread 5 times! I keep saying bread, bread, bread, and she keeps asking me if I want something else. I never understand why they hire these stupid Chinks anyway"

I had to grab Rex with both hands to stop him from going over to their table and explain why they were the idiots. It wasn't for long though, since the girl returned with a couple of slices of bread in a plate.

The dude looked at it for a couple of seconds, searched for words a little bit, and then finally said "I want it fried".

I was keeling over and Rex had tears in his eyes. We couldn't stop laughing. It was a pity though, since we didn't quite catch what the girl said in response.

The Tri-Valley Scam

The Hindu reports that, "After being duped by a California-based university, scores of Indian students in the U.S. are now enduring the ignominy of wearing radio tags around their ankles so that authorities can keep track of their movements."

Now, I don't know any of these students, but I am fairly certain that they knew what they were doing. They are no innocent victims of a con-university, it was merely supply and demand. The students chose the school because it lets them work without having to attend regular classes, and the university makes easy money without having to spend on all the things that go into imparting a quality education like professors and infrastructure.

How can I be so sure? Because I know for a fact that the Tri-Valley is not the only university that does this. I know for a fact that students who go to these schools are fully aware that they are not getting an education. I know for a fact that they know what they are doing is not totally on the up-and-up. Most people I talked to are usually congratulating themselves for finding a way around the law of the land.

The US is pissed because these people are living in the country under false pretenses - they are working when they are supposed to be studying. More importantly, they are working when most Americans are out of work. The students have made a mockery of the immigration laws of the country by diddling around with the letter of the law and ignoring the spirit in which it was laid out.

Having said that, should they be treated like criminals? Are they dangerous con-artists that are a threat to society? No, I don't think so. What they did is not an equivalent of murder, kidnapping or robbery. It is the equivalent of cutting a line. They did not wait their turn and go through the legal process to finish college and then find work. In a hurry to make money, they decided to cut a few corners. They may have done it because they need the money. They may have done it to support a family. The reasons don't matter. What's wrong is wrong. The law may show some leniency in dealing with these people based on their background and circumstances, but it'll definitely not let them go scot-free. Since immigration is a burning issue in the United States, I will not be surprised if the federal authorities act tough just to make a point.

The US slapped ankle bracelets on these students because they don't trust them not to disappear into some small town. Its not unheard of - the Mexicans do it all the time, and some of the Indians do it too. Instead of getting outraged, India should take responsibility for these students and ask them to be released on the Indian Embassy's personal bond, on their personal recognizance. The embassy should house them and monitor their movements and take responsibility of these people until the proper course of action is taken in each individual case.

Democrazy

There's a new party in town; it's called "YSR Party". No points for guessing who started it or what it is about though. It's an easy guess, even if you aren't very familiar with the political scene in this region.

Keeping aside my opinions about the how lame the name is, I am actually thrilled about the fact that Jagan had to resign from the Congress party and start one of his own. And, I say that with no prejudice or malice toward him. I’m just sick and tired of the whole 'the king is dead, long live the king' routine and am glad Jagan didn't get an automatic bid to the throne just because of his father. At least now, if he does become the chief minister, it is not simply because his father was one. 

No, I am not so naïve as to consider it a triumph of democracy - the power play was unmistakable, just that the fallout was favorable.

If we look around, most of our leaders are relatives of guys who were in power at some other point of time. Nepotism is rife and party tickets going to the highest bidder is commonplace. We do vote, yes, but do we really choose who our leaders are? Or what they do? Makes you wonder if India really is a democracy, doesn’t it?

Participation is key to the creation and maintenance of a true democracy. When was the last time a regular taxpayer talked to his/her representative about a piece of legislature? Even a suggestion to that effect sounds ludicrous to people around here. "We" don't tell "them" what to do! Come to think of it, there is not even a channel open that allows us to tell them directly what we want. Once they get elected, they become unreachable. Sadly, there is not even an expectation in the least bit in the public that we should all be a part of the governing process by influencing the elected in their decisions on legislature. The responsibility of the individual in shaping the course of this country should not end on the day of voting. This policy of "don't ask, don't tell" that we follow around here, where they don't ask us what we want and we don't tell them either, has created a perverse decadent system that reeks of monarchy with pretensions of a republic on the outside. Even when there is a transfer of power or a change of guard, it is ever so subtle and demands minimal labor from the common man; it's almost like we live in parallel universes, one insulated from the other.

We in India have focused on survival for so long that we may have become insensitive to all the murkiness around us. And worse, we have internalized it ourselves. Each and every one of us, somehow, somewhere, has either been a part of, or contributed to this twisted system. They rationalize it in any way needed, inflicting long-term damage for short-term convenience. 

Just the other day, my friend was telling me about how he was waiting in line to apply for a driving license, and an "agent" casually came up to him and asked if he wanted to avoid the hassle of giving the test, or the risk of failing it, for a competitive price of Rs. 500. I am sure his experience was not atypical. I wonder how many people have declined his offer on principle and not because they didn't want to shell out the extra cash.

The most frustrating part about it is that people tend to find excuses for all the filth around here! Whenever we find out about some corrupt politician, or a scam, one can hear lots of "Oh, he's gotta live" or "that's how they are" or "he's just a fall guy; everyone's in on it", instead of being outraged by the news. Decades of movies showing politician after politician being nothing but corrupt murderers has made sure that the general population has no expectations from the government. If you are not protesting what you believe is wrong, you are actively abetting it.

Democracy comes from the Greek word dēmokratia - dēmos (the people) and kratia (power, or rule). But, in this country, the term is so incongruous to reality. The only people who are acting in their self-interest are the politicians. The common man has long forgotten (or never known) what 'rule of the people' really means, and has continually betrayed what's in his own best interest. Maybe it's just me, but that is crazy!

the goats are going to heaven...

Muslims around the world celebrated Bakrid last week. This year was my first in a city with a big Muslim population, and the festivities were a new experience. Growing up in VIzag, Id-ul-Zuha and Id-ul-Fitr were just national holidays and news items on TV and were never personal. It isn't like that in Hyderabad. Bakrid (for that matter, any festival, Hindu or Muslim) brings out the hordes to the streets, touching everyone that ventures out. So, its practically impossible to be unaffected. Until now, I never knew that Bakrid was a festival celebrating the sacrifice of Ibrahim; but with the number of goats sold on the streets of Hyderabad overwhelming you for weeks before the auspicious day, it is hard not to wonder what the connection is.

For those of you who don't know, Ibrahim sacrificed his son as proof of his fealty to the almighty. Allah is pleased with the sacrifice and in return lets Ismail (the son) live, and Ibrahim finds a goat lying dead at the altar instead.

Traditionally, Muslims celebrated this by sacrificing their livestock. I guess this symbolized their devotion to Allah and their willingness to give up material wants. A few centuries ago, when animal husbandry was practiced by most everyone, this tradition may have made some sense - since you are giving up a source of income when you are killing that animal and giving away the meat. This day and age, most people who are making the "sacrifice" are definitely not goat herders. So what exactly are we sacrificing, or shouldn't I ask?


Sacrifice, by definition, is to give up something that is important to you. How is killing a goat on Bakrid any different from taking friends to lunch and paying for the mutton biryani everyone ate? It's not sacrifice. It's a pathetic attempt to con the almighty and is no way your ticket to paradise.

...if you touch my junk

In Sep 2001, some a-holes got on a few planes and crashed a couple of them into the twin towers. The TSA promptly increased security on cabin baggage. Another idiot brought aboard a bomb in a shoe, and since then everyone has to go through security barefoot. Then the crazies tried to blow up a flight with exploding soda, and we are having to take liquids in doll-house containers. Not to be unfazed, one lunatic decides to bring in his bomb in his underwear - and in response, everyone gets to be photographed naked by the TSA's latest toy - the full body scanner. Either that, or the grope check.

Now, who wants to bet that the next move by the crazies would be to go the drug-mule way and sneak in their dope through their body cavities? Then everyone will get a free prostrate exam before they can board a flight. In order for it to be less invasive, the TSA might recommend a colonoscopy instead, so that they can take pictures and view it in a secure location!

Coming soon!!! La Porte de l'Enfer' - to an airport near you.

simple-minded pricks

I'm so glad the Obamas left the country. For the last few days, it has made everyone here plain crazy. Obama said this, did not say that, he didn't call Pakistan a terrorist state, he took a piss, she played hopscotch; oh for crying out loud!!

It all started before his visit. Someone, somewhere, reported that the United States is spending around $200m per day on his visit. What's interesting was people's reaction to that piece of information. They were genuinely perturbed. But why? He is probably the most targeted person in the world and the leader of the free world. I'm surprised that anyone is surprised. Especially since he was visiting a city that saw carnage on the streets not too long ago. Some others were offended by the fact that the United States was "wasting" that much money and questioned the rationale behind it. I heard none of that when India spent around $7 billion of taxpayers money on the Commonwealth games. There was not even a murmur from the same people if it was a good investment or about the corruption that was being reported. We continue to give our leaders blank checks without any questions asked while at the same time we are horrified at the money that some other country is spending? (it's actually stupid that people are anything but happy since we will see some of that action - their spending here benefits us)

Then he landed. He stayed at the Taj and talked about terrorism. He talked about the Mumbai attack and tried to show solidarity. But a lot of people were disappointed and outraged that he did not say that Pakistan did it. Really? What kind of a boob do you have to be to think that he'd do that? Do I really have to list out the reasons why he wouldn't do it? Well, here are some: 1. Pakistan has been their key ally from the Cold War era.  2. USA needs Pakistan's support in the war in Afghanistan.  3. Of all the Muslim countries, Pakistan is the most loyal supporter of the United States   4. No head of state should be doing it unless they want to antagonize the other nation  5. India did not conclusively prove that the attack was sponsored by Pakistan-state  6. If he really were to say that Pakistan was behind the attacks, he would say it in his own country or in a world forum, rather than as a remark in his speech in Mumbai.  7. Doing so is not useful to the United States in any way  8. The US foreign policy has always been hypocritical and riddled with double standards. The list can go on... And then, a couple of days later, the same simple minded retards were beaming because Obama said that Pakistan has terrorist camps? That's all you wanted?

There were another set of morons who sulked because they were asked to show ID. One of them wants to know "If (the host) doesn't know who his guest is, then why is he inviting the person?"... uhh.. because they know your position but not you personally. And also maybe because some of you were involved in a scam and resigned recently. Because there is a good chance that you are involved with the underworld. Because, for you, money is more important than anything else in the world. Need I go on, you egotistic, insecure fart.

And then there was the UNSC bid. Ooo... the permanent seat! Obama said, "in the years ahead", he sees India as a permanent member in the UNSC. You can conclude so many things from that statement. And people have, too. The reactions ranged from euphoria to disgust among the Indians. But even if we do get a seat at the table, I seriously doubt it will be the same deal as what the current members enjoy. Instead of building the political capital and stature in the world that will bring in an invite to join the big dogs, India keeps seeking recommendations and favors, begging for a seat.

The thing that pissed me off the most is the news about how Pratibha Patil "played the perfect host" and took care of every little detail of the banquet.. from suggesting a pineapple halwa and puran poli to ensuring that the pathways were decked by fragrant rajanigandhas. "Ms. Patil not only suggested dishes for the grand feast but also sought details about the décor". (Are you kidding me!!) Knowing that the president of my country spends most of her time making sure that functions are organized well, fills my heart with sheer joy. She is a great role model for the women of this country.You go girl!

Overall, it was like a bunch of kids going crazy about a rich uncle visiting with lots of goodies! Some are giggling, a couple are throwing tantrums, one in the corner is sulking, another is bitching. The big girl is busy decorating and fussing over the arrangements, and the 78-year-old head of the family is waiting for him at the airport.

Except that he is not our uncle and he hasn't brought any special goodies.

Personally, I like the guy; always have. But he is just a head of state and it would have been more respectful to him if everyone conducted themselves like we aren't so bad ourselves.

Action, Consequence and Random Chance

Over the years, at various points in my life, I wondered what the answer to the God question was:

1. Is there a God? 
2. Does He (or She or It, if that's your thing) control my life? 
3. Does He expect anything from me? 

At different times, how I perceived God has taken different twists and turns - there were times when I was very sure of the answer and other times, I struggled with it.

I was raised in a home that was spiritual, slightly philosophical, and tolerant of other faiths. Traditions were followed as long as they did not hurt anyone. We changed customs sometimes, in order for them to make more sense. Even though mythological stories reinforced the idea that God makes sure "good" thrives in the world and that God comes back in human form whenever evil seems to be taking over, I was taught to be kind to people because it was the right thing to do and not because God would punish me otherwise.

When I was a kid, God was real and very personal. I prayed regularly. I was told that God would protect me and my good behavior would be rewarded and I behaved like I was answerable to God for my actions. If I ever got into trouble, I'd pray to God that I be spared that once and that I would be careful the next time. 

As I was growing up, my prayers became more of a routine, without a lot of thought going into who the recipient of those prayers was. Since they were not supplications for physical things, I never bothered about their fulfillment. More often than not, I prayed for health or happiness of people around me, and that I be content with what I have. Not that I did not want material things. It just struck me that those kind of requests were seldom granted unless I actually deserved them. When I deserved something, I felt that there is no need to petition to God for it. Every once in a while, I would get something which I didn't really lay claim to. Times like that, I used to thank God for his benevolence and be happy at my good fortune.

Overall, this is what I understood about how God operates with me - most often, I get what I worked for. Sometimes, I get more than what I deserve, without even asking for it. Some other times, I don't get things that I felt entitled to, even when I begged for them. 

As one can imagine, the logical consequence was that I stopped asking God for things. To be it all broke down to this: Actions, Consequences and Random Chance.

Whenever you do something, those actions will have consequences. Combined together, Hindu philosophy calls it karma. It is an understanding that action and conseqence do not exist independently; that they are inseperable. To some Hindus, a person can neither indulge in actions nor bear consequences without divine allowance. It is also believed that every once in a while, God changes the consequences to our actions to suit His purposes. Each person has their own explanation about why He does that.
 
In a simple world, a Newton's Third Law kind of deal would apply to all actions and consequences and each action would have an absolutely identifiable and definite consequence. Things would have been plain and simple. However, that is not to be. There is a third factor that qualifies the consequences to all our actions - random chance.

Chance meddles with outcomes and sometimes favors the undeserving or the inefficient, making people wonder why; why it was that they got something or didn't; why it was that life was sometimes unfair or too kind. Depending on the outcome, chance has been both the greatest fillip for humans as well as our greatest detractor. Temples were built, wars were fought, lives were ruined or millions liberated, all because of chance. Philosophers, academicians, theologists, all try to find a pattern and explanation for how this works. Everyone is convinced that they are the closest in figuring out the answer and keep trying to convince others that they are right.

Random chance, in my opinion, is the one defining factor that has led the majority of people on this planet to believe in God. Different people give it different names - luck, miracle, destiny, divine grace, answer to prayers - but most of them pray to God to try and tip this factor in their favor. Some pray to please God who is controlling the strings from up above. Some others pray to thank Him for his kindness in what has already transpired.

To me, chance is invariably random, and God, regardless of whether or not He's controlling it, is definitely not steering it in a particular direction just because that would please us. Prayer works, but only to tether the mind down in the face of uncertainty.